You think I would learn

Holy shit I hate my mother right now. I don't understand how I say the seceret password and she gets the free cupcake. It's even brought up to her and she continues to eat it anyway. Then she has to give her opinion on how it taste just to rub it in that she got the cake. She doesn't even like the damn thing! Then she tries to accuse me of being pissed for no reason? I don't think so. So where does she get the idea that I need to apologise to her? How about I hear one from her for eating my cupcake? I think that makes a little more sense, selfish little bit.She also kicked Kylee off the computer just to get on and get on facebook, claiming she needs to do "important things." So I guess facebook is going to plan our day tomorrow? Also, why couldn't that wait until Kylee was done, huh? You have all night. It's not like we're gonna leave as soon as you finish.
And what is this "she must not want her phone back" bull crap? Honestly, my phone can wait. M current phone will last. But don't you think another computer would solve the computer issue we have right now? How about getting my power chord so then we have two computers to fight over?
Also. No one gives a crap about this hisotry shit but you. So get over yourself.
Call it teen angst, maybe I'm over reacting because I'm a girl. Or maybe I'm just stressed. Whatever you wanna call it, I cannot wait to move out.

Also. I have a bit of an issue. My birth control is not where it should be... and I have no idea when it fell out. It could be anywhere between here and Hawaii... I still have one more ring, but I'm already off balance with it being out... So should I just put that one in now... or wait until I'm supposed to put it in...?

EDIT: Mom said my power chord shipped... so I guess I should be appreciative of that... and I guess I am... I just cant thank her... I'm pretty sure my cupcake makes up for that...

Going back to school...maybe?

So I thought it was about time for an update. I’m sure no one wanted to see that long entry from last time. About how life sucks.

I’m sorry to inform you all that life still pretty much sucks. I’ve been thinking a lot about school lately. I thought I would be able to hand school and a job at the same time, but recently I’ve been thinking that I might not be able to handle that. Also, I found out that I might not be able to get all my classes, those of which I need for my degree, online. And I won’t be back in Georgia until February, and classes start in January.

Also, with the move going on, my mom has just been too stressed to help me with college. I know I should probably be doing it myself, but she needs to be included. Plus, she’s already paying WAY too much just for me to go to school the first year. I don’t want to have to pull out another loan where I can’t pay for it.

I don’t want to sound like I’m just giving up, because I’m not. I’m just simply holding off going to school, and returning once I’m more stable.

So, with all things considered, what are your opinions on me going back to school? Do you think I should hold off until I’m more stable myself, with a job where I can pay my bills by myself?

Thank you in advance for your thoughts on this subject.

Getting tired and confused

This was originally written on paper.
Original written date: 7 Oct. 2011

"Who is that girl I see, staring straight, back at me?"
"Why is my reflection someone I don't know?"

I'm not really sure why I care so much. She hurt me so why should I care if she messes up her already screwed up life? I know she's getting into college [but that's only] because her parents will provide everything for her. While I have to sit here and suffer because I can't pay for things myself. Maybe I'm jealous of her? Because she can do whatever the heck she wants? I dunno. And why do I always feel bad for someone who has sex with someone they don't know they're going to marry? She has a feeling he's going to propose after they graduate, but that never means anything. [(I also think it's just a feeling or an imagination she wants to have. He could have no intention of marrying her)]. And I'm glad she understand that. But, I dunno, I just feel, wouldn't you want sex to be something special for the one person you know you are going to be with forever? She understand that she might find someone else. She understands he might find someone else. Which is good but, then wouldn't you feel bad for saying "I didn't save myself for you." I guess now-a-days it just isn't viewed like that. And I feel bad for them, that they don't understand what they're missing out on.
Now I don't mean to sound all perfect. I understand that things may change, but honestly I do believe Craig is for me. He's always understanding, always there for me, always helping me, but you just never know. Do I feel justified for having sex with him? Yes. Do I believe I am truly doing the right thing? No. Do I see us getting married? Yes and hopefully happily ever after.
Honestly I don't know why this is bothering me so much. I don't understand why I care. Maybe I'm just stressed out? It's possible. I don't want to wish any bad on her. If she finds someone else good for her. If it's Alex, good for the both of them. They found someone that works for them.
And now I'm in a crappy mood to be babysitting. What happened to my neutral feeling? I guess I don't necessarily care for her anymore. But I dunno. I'll just shun these feelings away and disregard them for how i always feel when I hear about someone's sex life. Like I said. If she wants to ruin her handed to her life, that's her problem.
Anyway. Right now I'm not in a very good mood. I'm getting tired of kids, but I need the money. Bad. That stupid school that I don't think I can even attend anymore. I'd hate to tell my mom how I don't want to attend anymore. If the GI Bill wont pay for online classes then I have to give up and try somewhere else.
I'm yelling at kids now. I'm going bad. I do not wish to be abused anymore, but I really need this money. I'm babysitting for a good while this time. So hopefully they pay me in check and I can pay off the stupid school.
For some reason I've had the need to cry all day. I think Brittany is getting back to me [and I need to let it stop]. I'm not sure why she even likes me anymore. I apparently wasn't that great to her. And she has a boyfriend. [Why doesn't she just cuddle up next to him all the dang time. She has the ability to unlike me.]
I am just in no mood today. I don't feel like cleaning up after or dealing with kids today. I just want to talk to Craig all day. And no one/nothing but. I guess I should say a prayer, and apologize. When they are down for a nap and it's quiet I will say my prayer. For now, I will have to apologize to everyone I have cussed around or at.
It's going to sound weird to everyone. "Hey, I'm sorry for cussing around you." Even if it wasn't at them. I still shouldn't have done it, and, I need to watch my tongue. It's slipping way too much. And now I'm taking my saviors name in vain. I am becoming more and more of a horrible person. I wish I could stop.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everything in brackets and black was something I added in while typing this up. I wanted to let everyone know that my prayer never did happen, and even though I did eventually talk to Craig it was not a happy one. Also, I did not literally yell at children, I just got more stern with them than I normally would have. Also, I have been looking out for my cussing, but it keeps coming back. I know it's only been two days since I wrote this, but I would still like my language to be much much cleaner. I also still need to apologize to a lot of people, and it is going to be hard, but hopefully I can do it.
Later that night my day did get better. We went out to eat and dinner was good. I still miss my Craig like you wouldn't believe. I wish I could see him and let him hold me again. I think then all our arguing will die down again. I think all this separation is just too much for us. But how do I tell him I want to go to a different school?

I'm not sure what to do or feel anymore.

"I'm a soldier, meaning that I'm
Both the defendent and the judge
I'm standing on both sides of the fire
Moving along curves, overtaking death and life
I'm running to battle with the shadow of a lie"

So, lately I have been feeling like crap, again. I know, that's all I seem to write about, but it always makes me feel better. And only one or two people actually read my journals, so, I figure it's okay.

But anyway, I've been feeling like crap because I got a letter that I owe Columbus State University $170 odd bucks. And it was for my meal plan, that I did use while for the week I was there. No, I did not spend $170 on food, I don't believe, but it is more for the fact that I did use my meal plan at all. I do have to consider myself luck that this is all they're charging me. I currently have $122 in my bank account, so another $50 or so should do it for me. That $50 shouldn't be hard to get soon, what with my babysitting "job" that I have. As long as people pay me in check. (I suppose I could always ask them that I prefer they pay me in check, I'll give that a shot next time.) However, my problem is, how do I explain that suddenly I just spent $170 on school. No, I didn't tell them, and I suppose I should, however, I'm just so scared. We're so close to the move and my mom is stressing more than ever in her life because of it. She's getting ready to quit her job (and she will be VERY happy when she does) but she's freaking out about the movers, and getting the house clean, and planning a yard sale, and planning fun things for us to do while we're here, and cleaning AND selling the van, and yatta yatta yatta. My mother is just a very stressful, worry-sum person and I fear that even if nothing is going on, if nothing is happening she needs to find some sort of stress because that's all she knows. So I fear that if I tell her I owe them something she'll freak out "well how soon do we have to pay that and what does it effect and do I have to pay it and" I dunno, she'll find some way to get angry and stressed out at me. I don't mind paying for it myself, and I would rather that I did instead of having my parents pay for it.
I guess if I do end up paying for it and they say something about it I could always just explain then. I would LOVE to have this thing paid off as soon as possible. Sooner than possible, really. But I can't work until asked.

I also have some news that I was thinking about signing up for online classes. This way I could just pay for my classes and not worry about all the other fees of room and board, food, etc. BUT, my parents have talked about it and apparently my dad's GI Bill wont pay for online classes. However, as far as I'm concerned it just pays for instate tuition, and that's what online classes are, so please someone pray for me that the GI Bill will go through for me and I will be able to take online classes. If it can't, I guess I'll have to hold off on school...

All of this is very upsetting, and I wish something could be done about it. But all I can do is keep in better contact with my school and get all the information I can. And just hope that my plans work out and I can actually start my life... Please, someone say a prayer for me?


"No matter how many threads deception would weave
Truth will show its face of light"


LIFE

Y U NO EASY?


"Save your tears
for the day
when our pain is far behind
on your feet
come with me
we are soldiers stand or die"

But I guess this is all when I have to remember that things turn out for a reason, and I have to remember that my God loves me and he wants me to be happy, weather I get there on the path I plan or the path he plans. I just have to have faith and hope.

"Save your fears
take your place
save them for the judgement day
fast and free
follow me
time to make the sacrifice
we rise or fall"


In the good news, I had a good day today. I hung out with my friend Brittany at the mall today, and ended up treating myself to a new shirt and skirt. They don't match together, but individually they were cute and I highly enjoyed them. I saved a few bucks off them, the skirt was on sale and Old Navy has a military discount (though so far I have not found a place that does not have military discount). We had a few laughs and had a good time. And I'm glad we did, for one, It's been a long while since I've hung out with anyone, let alone her. Second, I've been needing a day out of the house. Hopefully we can do it again this Thursday when we plan to have a sleep over.

"I'm a soldier, born to stand
in this waking hell I am
witnessing more than I can compute"

So in the end I guess I just have to try and make life with what it is and hope things work out. If they don't they way I want them too, I'm sure there's a reason why, and I'll just have to take it and learn from it.
"pray myself we don't forget
lies, betrayed and the oppressed
please give me the strength to be the truth"
All these words I have found in a song that I ironically listened to in order to get my mind off of things. But it only made me feel worse. But now I feel better just being able to write my thoughts all down. Thank you everyone for your patients, I am always looking forward to your comments, and of course, your faves. Thank you so much for bearing with me.

~Andi

I remember 9/11

I remember 9/11, ten years ago today, my mom came into my room to wake me up and told me to come to her room. Once there she pointed to the TV and I saw one of the towers engulfed in smoke. Not too much later, the second tower was hit. My mother, me, and my brother and sister sat and watched the TV as everything happened. My mom called my dad, and we were kept out of school.
I think I was too young to really understand what was happening, but I did know something horrible had happened, that scared my mom, so I was scared too.
I reflect on it now and I understand, our country was not torn apart that day, but instead, was brought together, and now we fight a fight to prevent anything like 9/11 from happening again. There isn't a day that goes by that I'm not grateful for all of America's heroes, the police and the firemen, even the normal people in the towers that risked their own lives to save others. I am so grateful for our military, and my father, who has fought this battle multiple times now. I am so blessed for what have, a family and a home, and I thank God every day for everything he has given me.

Just some news

I'm sorry I keep doing this to you guys, but I promise this journal wont be that long.

I just wanted to let everyone know that, nothing worked out with school. I'm back home now, and I'm trying again for next semester. I know now that things need to be done MUCH earlier, and I think I'm better prepared for next semester. If I was accepted once, I should be accepted a second time, right? I also know the due date for scholarships, so if I can get those that will help a lot. I also plan to get my FASFA in earlier, and even Dad's GI Bill again, and hopefully I should have a lot of money left over. c:
The only problems I'm really having right now is that I feel bad for all the stress and problems I've been giving my family, Craig's family, and my friend Cassie. I've been taking up room and food in Craig's home, abusing Cassie's car, and wasting my parent's money and space. So, now I'm just really anxious to get back and be at school and get a job, you know, so I can start taking care of myself.

But, that's all I have for now.
Thanks for reading. c:

More News

So my mood has been... crap lately. I'm finally home with the one I love and things were fine for the first couple of days. I didn't feel anything but happiness and it was because I was with him. Then Monday rolled around and I called CSU to set up a date to move in to the school, I'll be moving in this Saturday at 11:00AM. Which I just realized means I need to get up super early. Bah. But anyway, ever since then, the week has been progressing and my feelings have just gotten worse and worse. And I think I know why. For one, the due date for paying for school is literally right around around the corner. In fact it's practically today. In fact, I think it was yesterday. My classes are being dropped, and now I have to re-register for them today and wait for the 19th to roll around and officially kick me out of school. I just talked to my mom about it, she said if things happened out all wrong they would take out another loan. And I REALLY don't want her to have to do that again... She already has to pay too much in the parent plus loan just because of me. I think another plane ticket home would be cheaper... I would hate to do that again to her but, it is cheaper. And then I can go to George Town University, supposedly for free since Dad will be working there.

So yeah, that's all one reason why I feel like crap. Another is I think the atmosphere of the house I'm living in now. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, by any means, because they let me stay in this house at last minute and they're so nice to me, to feed me and allow me to stay here and what not. I'm sure I am no help to any burdens they bare. However, the atmosphere, just seems to be a lot of hate. Craig's mother does seemingly nothing but complain and disagree and disapprove of everything and anything Craig does, no matter what. She has no belief in him. What-so-ever. She doesn't believe that he's been looking for a job when that's all he ever does. And when she finally finds one she still disapproves of him in some way. He's apparently nothing but crap, and I know they never used to be this way. I know his mom has been through a lot, but now it just seems like she's taking it out on him because he's here. And of course she wont take it out on her boyfriend, because he's paying for something in this house, even though I know when Craig starts paying rent she'll still find something.
Also, to grow on this atmosphere of hate. Craig and I have almost no respect for her boyfriend. Me probably more so. Apparently just because he pays the internet he thinks he has the right to do whatever the hell he wants with it. At first there was a timer, so that Craig would be kicked off around 11:20PM. Okay, that wouldn't be such a huge ordeal if they had at least said something about it. But instead they just left it for him to find out. They gave the excuse that it was because he wasn't looking for a job, which I know is total bull crap. They only choose to see what they want to see and what they want to see is Craig laying on couch. For some odd reason they don't see him actually doing something. But anyway, after just putting a timer on the internet, once I got here, they just decided to block his computer entirely. So what they just expect him to use his mother's computer from now on? I know she already hates it when he uses her computer. But then as soon as I pull out my computer it's suddenly blocked too. I mean, he can't do that right? It's my computer that I use for school business, or to talk to my parents, and where I may be able to use the phone to talk to my parents I still have files and stuff on my computer that I can't access through any one else's computer that I may actually need for school or any other business. Not to mention the computer are OURS we shouldn't HAVE to use anyone else's stuff. He may have payment over the internet but I don't think that gives him the right to block our computers from it, especially if we need them to get anywhere in life, right? Or I am just being a stubborn teenager..?

And on top of all that. My ear still has pressure built up from the plane trip here. I can't hear almost at all from my left ear. I've tried everything to make it go away, but I guess I just have to wait for it to go away. Though I wouldn't mind suggestions. .-.

Either way... I thought writing this down or talking about it would make me feel better. The fact that I finally talked to Mom about everything made me feel a little more at ease. I guess writing it down did make me feel better too. Talking to Craig helps as well. I just need some stress relief, even though I know it wont go away.

But, to leave you guys with some good news. Craig did get a job, granted it's only part time but a job is a job. He's going to work on getting a car, even though that's going to take months, but if he works hard on it I know things can get accomplished. Now that he has something it might be easier for him to get a job somewhere a little better, right? And Mom did say she would help me out with school. I mean, she didn't sound happy but you know, who would be after thinking they have to take out another loan? But it lets me know she does love me and she does care for me, and I am thankful for that.

I'm sorry if this is too spiritual for anyone, but I have to say, I thank the lord for everything he has blessed me with and for listening to my prayers.

Thank you everyone for your support and for listening to what I have to say. Or rather, reading. I thank all of my watchers for their support, I thank all of my friends for their support, for being my backbone, for being there for me, and I thank Craig for bring there for me, and for being the one I can trust entirely, and for loving me unconditionally and for trying to make me happy.
I also want to thank my parents, my mother and father, individually, for supporting me and helping me all the way through. I feel like I can take advantage of them sometimes, and I try to avoid that, and I am sorry for any and all trouble I have caused them. I love them so much, and I thank them for being my parents.

Thank you.

Some good news and some bad news

We're going to go ahead and get the school news out of the way, since that's what's hardest for me to talk about right now.
The good news is that I finally have my cougar one card (the card that identifies me, lets me buy food, etc. etc). Which kind of makes me an official student at Columbus State university. Also, I FINALLY got my FASFA stuff sent to them. It was faxed to them on Saturday and they get it immediately, which is great. However, I fear it may still be too late. I got an email just a couple days ago telling me that if I don't pay for everything immediately, then I could be dropped and charged with fees. Which, would be horrible. I don't know how long it will take for them to actually give me information about any grants or anything. I also haven't heard anything back from the government about my father's GI bill.
And on top of everything I STILL need to ask about payment plans and set up an appointment for housing. Ugh! Andrew College, as much hell as it was, was NOT this hard. I just sent them the money and that was it. I do like the fact that Columbus charges by how many credit hours you have, but and Andrew they just gave you a meal plan, they didn't charge for housing separately, and there was no down payment on housing either.
But, I'm staying hopeful. Classes don't start until August 15th. I know that doesn't give me a lot of time, but hopefully it will be enough.

I'm going home to Craig on Thursday, I've missed him so much... We're not going to be able to have our perfect night like we would have loved to, but there was just no way I could afford it. And, I had to pay for it myself, because Craig still doesn't have a job. Supposedly he has one now, he was interviewed a couple of weeks ago. And he told me that if he could just get an interview than he could get a job. However, they haven't called him back yet. He's supposed to get one this week, but we'll see.
Also, I'm having issues with his home. His mother doesn't want me to stay at her place anymore. I haven't exactly figured out why yet. She told us it's because of her situation, because she may have to go into surgery. However, where I do sympathize for her, I don't see how that hinders me staying at her place. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with her not liking me, weather she thinks I'm ungrateful, a coward, or just stupid... But whatever the case she's letting me stay, on conditions. One of them having to be getting birth control. Which, reminds me I have to do a little bit of research on.
I've tried talking to my parents about it but, for some reason they always stop and make fun of the situation, and shrug it off like I was kidding.

-half an hour later-
I just talked to Mom about it and she actually took it seriously without getting mad. I'm always afraid of her taking things the wrong way, so I'm always afraid to talk to her. However, this time everything was okay. She helped me out, told me to call the hospital and see how soon I can make an appointment. If it can't be before I leave then I will see about going to one back down in Georgia.
I still have to see when I leave on Thursday. One moment.
Alright, I guess if I really have to then I can get an appointment on Thursday. My plane don't leave until 10:15PM.Which means I need to get there at about 8, which means I may need to leave the house at about 7. So, if need be I can make an appointment on Thursday, just to reiterate.

Going back to what I was talking about that led to this. I'm finally returning to Craig on Thursday, though it'll be Friday when I get there, my plane lands at 4:06PM in Georgia. And then I'll need to find Groomes, and ride that back to Columbus, pay them $34 I think it was, and then find Craig, love on him, go to the store, buy some groceries, pay his mom, and then maybe FINALLY get home and relax with my baby, with a warm shower, a relaxing dinner, and a night with just my baby and me. And then I get to start worrying about school again...

Speaking of school, the twins start school in the morning. Mom will be waking them up and probably me as well so that I can call the hospital and ask about a same day appointment. And then I'll need to call CSU, and all this means waking up early, and I'll probably have to head to bed here really soon if I want to wake up that early.
Also, I don't know why, but for some reason I'm trying to impress that bitch again. While on the big island a couple weeks ago, I bought her a shell just because Kylee was getting her something. However, when I asked her if I could come over, she kept making up an excuse not to see me. I leave on Thursday, and I'll be busy during the week, and she has school. But you know what, whatever. If she wants to lose me again that's her loss. I believe I've lost most of my feelings for her, other than anger, so it wont hurt me to finally lose her. Hopefully for good this time.

Anyway. I need to go to sleep now and get some work done in the morning. I really wish I could talk to someone, however everyone is asleep already, as of everyone I know is in a place where it's already 4-5AM. And they both need their sleep, so I wont bother them for anything (not that I can anyway).
Thank you for reading all the way through if you did!
Sorry for such a long post this time!

Good night!!

Fuck this girl

Fuck this bitch. She wanted me to come home so we could supposedly start over. She said she was sad because she didn't have any friends anymore, and supposedly my sister just wasn't the same. But as soon as I come home she hangs out with my sister more than anything!
I think she was lying to me. She told me that her and my sister weren't as close as they used to be, but when I got home the two of them hung out every day! Regardless of the fact that my sister may just be replacing her best friend while she's gone. 
I think what it also may be is that while we were "mending" our friendship she couldn't stand how honest I was. It's either that or she expects me to put up all the effort. But friendship takes two. I will not invite myself to someone's house. Especially if all we're going to do is play games I don't care about.

But for some reason I can't bring myself to be a bitch to her. I don't understand, I can bitch at my boyfriend all day, but not her. I wish I could just drop her, but I don't know how to cut bad ties...

Summer in Hawaii

So, so far I have been having a good summer break, regardless of what my recent posts may be telling you. My life isn't all bad, and I feel like I should update something good every once in a while, you know?

It's been almost a month since I got home, which means only one more month before I return to my baby. Which means I only have one more month to pay and work out college. :c I tried to work that out a week ago, but my adviser is on vacation. Ugh. So I'll have to call her when she gets back and hopefully we'll have that all worked out soon.

But for the happy news. I'm not pregnant, so that's a big plus. Though, I would like to have a baby I know I am no where near ready to handle that yet. So, thank you Lord for sparing me a whole bunch of disappointment and pain.

I talked to my dad about marrying Craig. And, he of course being a dad he wants whats best for me and even though Craig may not seem like whats best for me, he doesn't seem entirely opposed to the idea. So that's made Craig very happy, and me less nervous about marrying him. Now I just have to get through to Mom. I find her lots tougher to talk to. :/

Also, it seems as though I am constantly babysitting now. And it's paying a lot more than what I would normally be getting if I were to get a job. So, screw looking for a job anymore. The only down side to it is that I wont be able to put down the job experience on any resumes or anything. Just a bunch of babysitting. I would like to have the experience, but right now I just need the money. My mom payed off my housing deposit at school, and I told her I would pay her back. It was $300 and so far I have $270, if I counted right. I'm babysitting later today and it should bring me up to $300. Mom said that if I attempted to get a job while I was home she wouldn't worry about me paying her back. Well I'm wondering if babysitting counts. >,> I mean, if I have to pay her back I will pay her back. I would just prefer not to, ya know? xD

But I'm just greedy like that.

Anyway, I guess that's everything so far. Other than I appear to have made a new friend, although he's only online and across the country, but he is nice to talk to. I found him in the strangest way too. Oh well.

I guess I should be heading off now. I need to get ready to babysit.

Thank you so much for reading!

Bleed. Please bleed.

Okay. I'm having kind of the hugest scare in the world right now.
I haven't had my period yet, and I've gotten myself sick. I'm really scared that I might be pregnant... And I don't know if I can handle being pregnant right now... Not in the least. Craig seems to have come to terms with it, but I don't think I have yet. I have too much at stake right now, a baby could possible ruin my life right now. I guess now I understand why it's so stressed to be safe. Now, we try to use condoms, and when we don't Craig pulls out. The problem is, I know precum can get someone pregnant. I know it's not very likely, but it is possible. And that scares me. Also I am afraid that the condom may have broken and we just didn't notice. And Craig does seem to have a knack for freaking cumming on my vagina anyway! That freakin...ugh!!!

...It all started when my period didn't come when expected... However the month is not out yet, so, it's still possible. But, like I said, it all started when my period didn't come when expected, and my cramps weren't nearly as bad as they usually are. And then I got sick, throwing up. This is when we really got scared, we thought it was morning sickness... I tried to rationalize it but, my feelings beat me.
And now I still don't have my period, still not having my normal cramps. I think I was pmsing earlier this week but, I don't know.

All I know is that I am really having a hard time with this. I really don't want to be pregnant, not yet. I'm not prepared. I'm not ready for a new born. I'm not ready to tell my family... My family will be so disappointed...
I'm not married to this boy yet, though we have been together for 5, almost 6 years now. I know he'll support me and he will love the baby. I know he will be a good father. But I also know he's not ready either. He's not ready for a baby, he's not ready for the family ridicule... He doesn't have a job yet and he lives with a friend while I live with my parents.
I'm not ready either. From my family, from his family, from church, I'm not ready for a baby yet, I still want to go to school. I want to wait until I'm done with school, Craig and I are married, at least Craig has a job and we're financially stable with each other...

I went in today to get a pregnancy test, but I freaked out and left before I could even think about getting one... I don't know why I just freaked out... And no my mom is at the store so maybe it was for the better that I didn't just yet... I'll try again tomorrow, and I'll go to where I see they have better choices...

And I just need to stay positive right now...
Lets see, things showing I'm possibly not pregnant:
*Signs of starting my period.
  *Dark vaginal discharge (Dried blood/spotting?)
  *Mom just got off hers (Mine is usually the next week.)
*I did get sick, but so did family members.
*Am having light cramps.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Okay so it's been about a day since that post. My computer froze up and I had to shut down. But since then I have bought a couple pregnancy test. I did one, and it said negative.
Also, I have my period. It stared out very light though, which is odd for me. So I took it anyway, it still was negative so that should be pretty convincing right?
Now my period seems to be getting heavier, which is good. My cramps are getting worse, which is good. Kinda, other than the pain I have to suffer now. But I would rather go through that then be pregnant, right now.
I'm going to be taking another test with a different brand just to be sure. But I am feeling better about it now.

In other news, Craig and I kind of got into it again. More or less I just yelled at him. Somehow the man still loves me though, and I still love him. We talked it over this morning and we feel a little bit better about it now. I feel like there's still more to talk about but at least we know we're not mad at each other anymore.

Alright, I think that's all I have to say for now. I need a shower, so I'm going to go take one. Then I'm going to eat some lunch, go wash dishes, and maybe play some video games and do whatever for the rest of the day. Maybe I'll get lucky and we'll go to the beach this weekend.

Thank you so much for reading if you did. I appreciate the fact that someone cares enough.

Sometimes I Feel Everything is My Fault.

So nothing good has really come of this past week.

We just got out of school for the summer. And my boyfriend's birthday isn't for another month. So I decided I would stay for his birthday before returning home in Hawaii. Well, his mother would not support the both of us for a month so, we made this plan that we would stay at her house for a week and then go to a friend's house to finish out the month before I went home. Well, it's been a week and so far nothing good has come out of it. In fact the total opposite has happened. Nothing but arguing has been going on.

It's all between my boyfriend and his mom. She claims to be going under a lot of stress, and one can understand that in these times there is a lot of stress going around on everyone, including my family and ourselves. Even over summer break we have a lot to worry about, such as FASFA and transferring into a new college. I understand that she has no money right now, kind of. She should have just gotten a tax refund and with Craig having gone to college she should have gotten something out of it. But I guess it all went to seeing his sister. Which I understand that too, she just had a baby. She's a second time grandmother now.

My problem is, Craig and his mom get in these fights, and because the both of them are hard headed, neither one of them lets up on the other. Just a couple of days ago they got in an argument for two hours, all because Craig just wanted to get some stress off of his chest. I guess his mom somehow saw it as him asking for money and she started getting mad and things escalated. Craig tried to keep a level head through the whole thing. But his mom just kept yelling. And, you think with company over you would try to keep things under control. Craig tried to tell me it was because I'm not just company anymore, but according to her I'm still just a girlfriend. Not a future wife, nothing but a girlfriend. If this is so, than I am just company, which means one should/would control their temper, right?
But I guess that's just me. I guess she sees things differently, and I can't tell her she's wrong. I mean, she's letting me live in her house. She's done this more than once. Who am I to say anything?

But basically I just hid that whole time they argued. And, part of it was about me. I had made a post on facebook, talking about parents in general, because my mother would try to argue with me as well, when I would just try to get something off my chest. But she saw it as targeted towards her, and so she started yelling at him for what I did. I deleted the post, and yes I know I probably shouldn't have made the post. It was up for only a an hour at most. But I took it down, so no one would have to worry about it anymore. But, I still feel the tension.

See, when I feel like someone has reason to dislike me, I hold onto that thought and it kinda grows inside my mind. Since I gave her that reason to dislike me, even for a little bit, it seems to me that she the type of person to hold a grudge against someone. She would never say anything to me personally (which I feel is contradictory to what she says about her not caring what other people think of her), but I know from her arguments with Craig the past couple of days that it's possible she's holding things in and letting things get worse inside her head. And if she's like me (which in this case she would be) then everything I do is wrong in her eyes right now. Me sitting on her couch, not doing anything is wrong to her. I feel like I should be constantly cleaning. Even though I'm supposedly a guest.

I mean, there's nothing here to do, considering me and Craig are the only two our age for miles around. She lives in the middle nowhere so there's no where to go unless someone wants to come get us, but there's no one with the time or the will to come get us from all the way out here.

Anyway. I guess I just wanted to say that it seems to me my boyfriend's mom is taking out her life on my boyfriend. She's trying to rationalize it, and that's because one, she doesn't realize what she's actually doing, and two, she just doesn't want to admit it. I mean, who wants to be wrong, right?

But I'm also ready to get out of here. I feel the tension, and I fear it's just growing and growing. Ever since that two hour argument she just isn't someone I want to be around anymore. Before it was fine. But now, she just bothers me. I fear she's angry at me, that everything I do is wrong. And I don't want to give her anymore reason to dislike me.

I feel like things would have been better, and easier, on everyone, if I had just gone home...

Not going well

Things have not been going well at all lately. Things are piling on about CSU. Our backup plan is turning out to be a failure. And to top it off finals are next week.
Tonight my dumb self is staying up all night so she doesn't sleep class in the morning. I'm wishing there was someone to talk to but there's not. Craig is asleep and he thinks I'm mad at him. Everyone else on campus is asleep. I don't have my phone so people who are awake, I can't contact them. ugh. I just need something to happen, where everything is fixed and everything is solved and me and Craig can go to CSU and Craig will get a job with Dark Horse and out lives will be fine...
I'm also just highly upset because I came to the realization that I just suck at life. All of it. Even video game lives. I've found that I lose at everything. I have horrible strategy, I don't think, and I just can't win. Pokemon, I have horrible strategy and I don't think. Yugioh I have horrible strategy and I'm too stubborn. Any other game, I just suck.
I also choose the crappiest friends. And apparently the noisiest when they sleep. (Or wake up while I'm trying to sleep...) My roommate snores, moves A LOT and makes weird noises with her mouth that sound super gross. When she wakes up in the morning she is so LOUD. She has no regard for my sleeping. The water is on full, she slams all her doors/drawers shut....everything she can possibly do to make noise.
And I want to talk to Craig. I feel bad for getting mad for no reason again, and for going back into my abusive habbit....I blame it on all these things but, that's really no excuse. I'm going to marry him someday, do i want my children to think it's okay? No. I need to stop before I even start....
Gaia makes me mad too. It further shows that I fail at everything.

You know I intended this to be so that no one would see them. However, I want someone to see them. Even if it's a stranger. Thank you to whom ever reads this. You are greatly appreciated for taking time out of your day to read my pathetic rants. I wish I could get some reply though.

I also want my computer to stop freaking out. It whites out every now and again and it scares me. This is a brand new computer!

I have to go cry in a corner and not sleep for another 6 hours....thank you for reading if you did. Good bye...

Help...

I need someone to talk to. For the past few days things have not been going well and I've been in a sense losing a few friends. We haven't physically or verbally fought really, but I have been pretty annoyed with them recently and it's gotten to a point where everything they do just kind of annoys me. And it shouldn't be that way.
I think what it is this; I've been stressed out a lot lately and on top of that my friends have been getting on my nerves. I've been stressed about school, keeping up with my grades and such. I have a lot of papers to write and because I don't have a printer I have to pay ten cents a page and I have a lot of pages to print. As well I have stress money wise too. While at the same time I'm trying to transfer to CSU (Columbus State University). This requires me to go through the whole application process all over again. I have to pay the application fee, I have to apply for housing, I have to apply for food, I have to apply for FASFA, scholarships, all this stuff...
And I just looked back at the CSU site and it looks like it's already too late to ask for scholarships, crap!!!! I really have to cry now...I can't do anything like this...what now?
As for my friends...They're just annoying me because it seems to me that they care for nothing but themselves. I feel like I should talk to them but, it's hard and I don't know how to take it. I also feel as if they wont listen. And there for nothing will get done. But I also know running away will only make things worse and awkward...I guess eventually I'll muster up the courage to talk to them....hopefully before I explode in frustration...

Most of you might think I have a boyfriend I can talk to, and where that is a stress reliever for me, I know that he's stressed about all the same things. We can talk about it to each other but a lot of times I feel like we go in circles and a lot of times I get frustrated and that makes him more stressed and I want to stop doing that to him...
I honestly would feel better if I could talk to someone not near me...some people say strangers are good to talk to....but I dunno....

I'm sorry guys but I'm going to go to bed. I hope I can find someone to talk to soon... thanks for reading...

Feeling sad again

I'm glad I have not a lot of followers/readers. Thanks to my one follower if they read this. :3 Very sweet of you.

But this is another sad post. Which was all this blog was made for really, so I guess it's okay.

But before I get on mumbling about that for no reason, let me get to what I want to talk about. Lately I've not only been feeling sad, but pretty darn angry. At others and myself, even best friends. Recently my friend from high school, who I now go to college with, has been getting on my nerves rather a lot. We didn't hang out much in high school and so I didn't realize just how much of an extremest he is. I understand he's ADHD, but I know other people who have the same thing and act no where as bad as he dose. Maybe he just has an extreme case of it, but it's pretty frikken ridiculous. Lately what's really been getting on my nerves about him is his anger issues. His anger is above and beyond annoying and I feel he needs to get over himself. The other day he came stomping into his room and slamming the door and throwing a fit just because he wasn't allowed to do what he wanted to do. There was a good reason to not go outside, there was a tornado warning going on. And what he wanted to do was pretty much not a good idea in the first place since he could get in trouble for it, one, and two, he's still not very good at it so he probably would have hurt himself. (He did later that week, messed up his ankle so now he can't do it anyway). And because I'm sure you're wondering he was out doing parkor, a running sport where you just run and climb and jump. Like free running but less flashy.
Talking about his ankle, btw, you think because he messed it up he would be smart and not walk on it or move it too much or anything, but no, instead he decides to not wrap it and not put ice on it so it doesn't swell, and he walks on it all day and crap like that....UGH frikken take care of yourself so you can continue to parkor. Even professionals know that. Dummy.
Ugh anyway....he also steals non-stop and that's getting annoying. He frikken took pants from the school's theater. Yes they were some pretty awesome pants, but first of all, they were far too big for him. And what's horrible about that is he's skinny as crap and the pants were skinny jeans...the retard, get clothes that 1. fit, and 2. you'll wear. The pants don't match anything he owns and because of that he wont wear them. It just picks at me so much. I'm thinking of just taking them back without him knowing.
Also because of his stealing habbit he seems to have no problem just taking my food. It started with just taking some beanyweenys I had bought. He said I could have one of his, that's fine and good but later when I come back from a break I had all this food and my favorite candy (Reese's) was included. That's his favorite candy too, which is fine. If he wants a candy he can ask me to have one right? No, he just decides to go in and eat whenever the heck he wanted to, and as a result ate them ALL. I got two out of almost fifteen. The frikken RETARD gosh....dangit...He did it again with a thing of chips ahoy I had, and some honey, and some rootbeer. Everything would be fine if had just asked, but no he just takes things....
And here's the thing, I would like to confront him about it. I would love to say something, but first off, I don't know how because of the overly angry issue he has....My boyfriend tries but he takes things too jokingly and no one takes him seriously so nothing gets done. I also feel like that if I were to say anything, the boy would just get mad and not listen anyway and he would continue to do what he does.
And he always thinks he's right and tries to fight it when he's obviously wrong. Dude just be wrong and learn.

And then there's his girlfriend. She doesn't make me as mad, she's just a kind of pet peeve I guess, but it just feels to me that she is lazy as crap when it comes to manual labor. She's a hard worker when it comes to homework and such, but whenever I come into work she just seems to be sitting there until I get there, and then she tells me to do all the hard/gross stuff. And she's always in a pessimistic mood it seems. And now she's growing random strawberries that no one's going to eat because they're wild. Bleh. Oh well.

And now I just feel sad  because I'm a Mormon girl and I haven't been following the ways. And it's kind of hurting me inside. And I want to change but it's hard....If I were to change I would have to drop everything and everyone...So I dunno what to do.
And now there's a party tonight, a birthday party for a girl I really like, and I want to go, but I know it's going to be crowded and there's alcohol and I want to go for her, and I probably wont drink. But I don't want to be around all those drunk people....So I dunno what to do...

Other than that things seem to be okay. School is going okay and I'm applying for CSU. Hopefully I can get in, also I'll be able to see my Daddy this summer. :3
So, thank you for reading if you did! I'm going to make this as good a day as I can. Bai bai!

I don't know what's wrong

I don't know if it was people, or sleepiness, or irritation, or stomach burn, but I was really pissed earlier and now really sad....
Craig invited someone over that I knew was really not going to be welcome and gave her a Smirnoff thing and she was a first time drinker. Now I am not a drinker myself, this may be my 3rd time drinking and I knew how fast or how bad a Smirnoff would get someone. She chugged the bottle and almost instantly started acting drunk. Key word being acting. She felt no woosiness, felt no burn in her stomach though I knew she would soon. And she's obviously an exageratist, so I knew when the burn started to kick in she would play that up just as she would play up her drunkenness as she did. I didn't see it but I know it happened.
Also I was irritated because there were so many people in the room at once. Adriel, Micheal, Patrick, Andrew, Grace, Lee, Craig and I. All in this tiny little dorm room. Grace and Andrew were trying to sleep so that made it worse because I knew Grace would have a bitch about that.
And then everyone left so I was alone in the room with sleeping Andrew and Grace, and I guess the smeirnoff was getting to me or something but I was highly upset and I needed to get out. I left to go to my room and I actually ran into Craig and he tried to stop me. He tried to get me to talk but I just really wanted to go to my room. Well after a couple minutes Lee came to my window and talked to me. I sat there and listened to him and even though he was drunk he made sense and it made me realise a couple of things. Once he was done Craig came to my window and I bawled my eyes out. My stomach was burnning really bad and he got me some food.

My only assumption about last night was that I was upset due to the fact that I was buzzed, and I guess I'm a sad drunk. I'm a sad drunk and that really doesn't surprise me. Although that fact in itself does make me sad. Bleh.
But now Lee plans to have this little party again tonight and I don't think I'll be there. He invited more people and I don't do well in crowds. Especially in such small rooms. But whatever. Maybe I'll be there I dunno.
But now I think I should work on some homework that needs to be done by Monday while I wait for someone to come back. (They all went to Walmart to get 'stuff').
So, thanks for reading if you did. Bye bye.

Holy crap...SCHOOL

Alright so this week was midterm week right? It really wasn't all that bad. I studied for some of the harder ones and I feel like I did okay on them. In fact I must have done okay on them because I have Bs in those classes right now. But one class didn't have a midterm, my history class. History here at Andrew College would be the HARDEST class due to the teacher. He teaches like a grad teacher, and I am obviously an undergraduate.
But anyway, you would think "Oh no midterm so you should be okay, right?" Wrong. Actually, the only grade anyone has in class would be the one exam we took. And guess what. I got a freaking 44% on it!! So now I have an F blemishing my midterm grades. He has two more exams in store for us. One the week after spring break, as if someone is really gonna remember anything, and then the final... so now the only thing I can do is make As on these next two tests...CRAP what do I do?! I'll have to ask him about other assignments. He doesn't give extra credit but if I remember right he said something about outside of class work. I'll have to ask him about those if they'll help.
Ugh....all I want to do is cry....
And then in my art history class we had to turn in a report. I got a 90 on it so I was happy. However she said something about not double spacing the header of my paper. Apparently she missed the freaking memo about how the header MUST be double spaced as of 2009!!! Holy crap she's slow.

I'm stressing now... and I'm supposed to be getting ready for spring break...can I please just cry a little........
-Sigh- I'll try and relieve some stress. I'll be studying over spring break, but hopefully I can calm down...

And also, I'm talking to my mother now and I've been having a hard time with myself and God (I'm Mormon but I haven't been following the teachings very well and it's slowly tearing me apart inside) and she's talking to me about being good and remembering he's there for me and what not. ugh.... I want to hide...

So

So I had a rant earlier.
But I kind of forgot it.
Though I do have some stuff to tell you about. :3

Let me talk about spring break for a little bit. We originally thought about going camping right outside of Atlanta, and then wondering around Atlanta for the week and going to MomoCon to finish it off. And I was pretty much set on that (I think this was part of my rant), but just yesterday my friend decided he was going to change all the plans. I mean, it's not bad though, because now instead of paying 100 and some odd dollars, we're only paying fifty bucks. Basically my friend's mom decided she was going to pay for a hotel for the five of us. We just give her fifty bucks for it. We still get to do all the stuff we planned, with less driving and less setting up a tent and blah blah blah. SO this plan is actually better. I was just so dead set on camping that I guess I'm upset about it. But I wont complain. Less money for me to spend on going and more to spend on me. :3

I also want to tell you guys about how I have a (kind of) job. I finally got work study here at school, unfortunately they pay minimum wage and we can't work as long as a normal job would allow you. They actually tell us we have to work so many hours. No less, no MORE. Makes sense right? I guess this private college is so poor they're trying to get the students work for them for free.
But see, I don't really want to get a job here in Cuthbert because this college doesn't let us stay here for breaks. I mean, really? How are students supposed to get and keep a job? I mean, I've applied, I promise I have, I've gone out and asked. They either told me they had no more room, or they've never gotten back to me.

Okay so maybe I do have a rant for you. A few of them apparently because I just thought of another one. I'm supposed to be transferring...I need to apply like... NOW. Oh gosh...I keep telling myself I need to apply and find a counselor from CSU, I need to find scholarships I need to I need to I need to...GAH Some odd how I keep forgetting until the very last minute...I get up and go to classes and then I go eat, and then I go to play practice and I don't remember until it's too late and I'm going to bed or Mom reminds me....I need to do that now so I don't end up like last year where I'm applying at the end of the summer...I guarantee CSU is no where near as desperate as Andrew...I need someone to keep me on track or something. Micheal, I know you read these. And honestly, I know you already stress yourself out so YOU sir, YOU do not keep me on track. YOU worry about yourself. You too Taichou. I know you have a lot going on you just...bleh! I'll find some way to do this. Let me just make a list or something to help me.

Things to do for CSU:

• E-mail a counselor for information
• Apply to CSU
• Find scholarships (Related to email)
• FASFA

And I'm sure there's more but it's... 1:30AM eh...



Oh something else to complain about. My roommate. I mean, she's a good girl. I guess. But she, well, she's pretty much a sex addict... I mean, I hate to be mean like that but...that's really the only reason she's with who she's with right now. Otherwise all they do is fight... and they fight for many reasons. I mean, whatever Taichou does is sometimes annoying, yes, and where he does have many faults (his maybe more extreme than most) who doesn't? But Grace just complains about everything. And where she does admit that she does it, still... I don't think she really understands.
But more annoying than here would be our suite mates, the most immature brats ever. Okay, it starts with me having the room to myself. One day I walk into our shared bathroom and I see a sign saying "please clean up after yourself because we are not your mother." Okay, first of all there is nothing of mine in there for them to complain about. When I shower I leave all the water in the shower. The trash was theirs, the slippers were theirs. The only thing I can think is that was right after I dyed my hair and there was still red in the shower. But that I couldn't really get off and whatever was there was so minuscule...Anyway, so lately one of those girls has been on her cycle. And she has the trash in the bathroom. Okay well, that's fine, but she doesn't wrap her napkins and the bathroom smells like fish....EW. So now it's been about a week right? So we kindly ask them to take out the trash. They come back with, "we'll take out the trash when you clean the bathroom." ....What? Does that make sense? NO. Take out your damn trash. I've clean the bathroom once before without a thank you. And Grace cleaned the toilet just that day. I was getting ready to clean the shower the next day. Okay, seriously? The only thing in there that really needed to be cleaned was that trash! If you want the bathroom clean, take out your damn trash...Immature brats....
Okay sorry that one was really eating at me.

Anyway...what else do I have to complain about...Nothing now...I think...

Oh yeah did I tell anyone that I was in the school play? I mean, I'm only an extra, but still. I'm in it. Yay~

Um. Oh, Craig is getting back in touch with his father. Um. They haven't talked for quite a few years so, it's rather interesting. He took us out to dinner last weekend, and he took us shopping for food and what not. He spent about $90 on us. Surprised me really. And now he wants us to sleep over at his house for super bowl weekend. I don't know how that's going to work out. I mean Craig even said so himself, he and his dad only get along when they're not together. If they get too buddy buddy I'm afraid things will go sour yet again and Craig will get screwed over...-sigh- I dunno. I mean it's nice that he wants to reconnect i understand that I guess. I can understand that both of them want to reconnect. But, They both know if it goes on too long it'll go bad. So, I hope things don't get that far.

And I think...that's it...

I dunno. I'm tired. Um.

Thanks for reading.

First Post

So this is my first post on Blogger! And what great timing, because I have stuff to rant about. :3

So my friends are dating each other and I'm not really sure why. I mean, Andrew and Grace are nice people. When they want to be. But they're always fighting and I don't know how to take it. Andrew is only with Grace because he's 'alone' and Grace is just with Andrew to have a fuck buddy. Bah!
Alright. I'm ending this short. Just blah.