Summer in Hawaii

So, so far I have been having a good summer break, regardless of what my recent posts may be telling you. My life isn't all bad, and I feel like I should update something good every once in a while, you know?

It's been almost a month since I got home, which means only one more month before I return to my baby. Which means I only have one more month to pay and work out college. :c I tried to work that out a week ago, but my adviser is on vacation. Ugh. So I'll have to call her when she gets back and hopefully we'll have that all worked out soon.

But for the happy news. I'm not pregnant, so that's a big plus. Though, I would like to have a baby I know I am no where near ready to handle that yet. So, thank you Lord for sparing me a whole bunch of disappointment and pain.

I talked to my dad about marrying Craig. And, he of course being a dad he wants whats best for me and even though Craig may not seem like whats best for me, he doesn't seem entirely opposed to the idea. So that's made Craig very happy, and me less nervous about marrying him. Now I just have to get through to Mom. I find her lots tougher to talk to. :/

Also, it seems as though I am constantly babysitting now. And it's paying a lot more than what I would normally be getting if I were to get a job. So, screw looking for a job anymore. The only down side to it is that I wont be able to put down the job experience on any resumes or anything. Just a bunch of babysitting. I would like to have the experience, but right now I just need the money. My mom payed off my housing deposit at school, and I told her I would pay her back. It was $300 and so far I have $270, if I counted right. I'm babysitting later today and it should bring me up to $300. Mom said that if I attempted to get a job while I was home she wouldn't worry about me paying her back. Well I'm wondering if babysitting counts. >,> I mean, if I have to pay her back I will pay her back. I would just prefer not to, ya know? xD

But I'm just greedy like that.

Anyway, I guess that's everything so far. Other than I appear to have made a new friend, although he's only online and across the country, but he is nice to talk to. I found him in the strangest way too. Oh well.

I guess I should be heading off now. I need to get ready to babysit.

Thank you so much for reading!

Bleed. Please bleed.

Okay. I'm having kind of the hugest scare in the world right now.
I haven't had my period yet, and I've gotten myself sick. I'm really scared that I might be pregnant... And I don't know if I can handle being pregnant right now... Not in the least. Craig seems to have come to terms with it, but I don't think I have yet. I have too much at stake right now, a baby could possible ruin my life right now. I guess now I understand why it's so stressed to be safe. Now, we try to use condoms, and when we don't Craig pulls out. The problem is, I know precum can get someone pregnant. I know it's not very likely, but it is possible. And that scares me. Also I am afraid that the condom may have broken and we just didn't notice. And Craig does seem to have a knack for freaking cumming on my vagina anyway! That freakin...ugh!!!

...It all started when my period didn't come when expected... However the month is not out yet, so, it's still possible. But, like I said, it all started when my period didn't come when expected, and my cramps weren't nearly as bad as they usually are. And then I got sick, throwing up. This is when we really got scared, we thought it was morning sickness... I tried to rationalize it but, my feelings beat me.
And now I still don't have my period, still not having my normal cramps. I think I was pmsing earlier this week but, I don't know.

All I know is that I am really having a hard time with this. I really don't want to be pregnant, not yet. I'm not prepared. I'm not ready for a new born. I'm not ready to tell my family... My family will be so disappointed...
I'm not married to this boy yet, though we have been together for 5, almost 6 years now. I know he'll support me and he will love the baby. I know he will be a good father. But I also know he's not ready either. He's not ready for a baby, he's not ready for the family ridicule... He doesn't have a job yet and he lives with a friend while I live with my parents.
I'm not ready either. From my family, from his family, from church, I'm not ready for a baby yet, I still want to go to school. I want to wait until I'm done with school, Craig and I are married, at least Craig has a job and we're financially stable with each other...

I went in today to get a pregnancy test, but I freaked out and left before I could even think about getting one... I don't know why I just freaked out... And no my mom is at the store so maybe it was for the better that I didn't just yet... I'll try again tomorrow, and I'll go to where I see they have better choices...

And I just need to stay positive right now...
Lets see, things showing I'm possibly not pregnant:
*Signs of starting my period.
  *Dark vaginal discharge (Dried blood/spotting?)
  *Mom just got off hers (Mine is usually the next week.)
*I did get sick, but so did family members.
*Am having light cramps.
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Okay so it's been about a day since that post. My computer froze up and I had to shut down. But since then I have bought a couple pregnancy test. I did one, and it said negative.
Also, I have my period. It stared out very light though, which is odd for me. So I took it anyway, it still was negative so that should be pretty convincing right?
Now my period seems to be getting heavier, which is good. My cramps are getting worse, which is good. Kinda, other than the pain I have to suffer now. But I would rather go through that then be pregnant, right now.
I'm going to be taking another test with a different brand just to be sure. But I am feeling better about it now.

In other news, Craig and I kind of got into it again. More or less I just yelled at him. Somehow the man still loves me though, and I still love him. We talked it over this morning and we feel a little bit better about it now. I feel like there's still more to talk about but at least we know we're not mad at each other anymore.

Alright, I think that's all I have to say for now. I need a shower, so I'm going to go take one. Then I'm going to eat some lunch, go wash dishes, and maybe play some video games and do whatever for the rest of the day. Maybe I'll get lucky and we'll go to the beach this weekend.

Thank you so much for reading if you did. I appreciate the fact that someone cares enough.