Going back to school...maybe?

So I thought it was about time for an update. I’m sure no one wanted to see that long entry from last time. About how life sucks.

I’m sorry to inform you all that life still pretty much sucks. I’ve been thinking a lot about school lately. I thought I would be able to hand school and a job at the same time, but recently I’ve been thinking that I might not be able to handle that. Also, I found out that I might not be able to get all my classes, those of which I need for my degree, online. And I won’t be back in Georgia until February, and classes start in January.

Also, with the move going on, my mom has just been too stressed to help me with college. I know I should probably be doing it myself, but she needs to be included. Plus, she’s already paying WAY too much just for me to go to school the first year. I don’t want to have to pull out another loan where I can’t pay for it.

I don’t want to sound like I’m just giving up, because I’m not. I’m just simply holding off going to school, and returning once I’m more stable.

So, with all things considered, what are your opinions on me going back to school? Do you think I should hold off until I’m more stable myself, with a job where I can pay my bills by myself?

Thank you in advance for your thoughts on this subject.

Getting tired and confused

This was originally written on paper.
Original written date: 7 Oct. 2011

"Who is that girl I see, staring straight, back at me?"
"Why is my reflection someone I don't know?"

I'm not really sure why I care so much. She hurt me so why should I care if she messes up her already screwed up life? I know she's getting into college [but that's only] because her parents will provide everything for her. While I have to sit here and suffer because I can't pay for things myself. Maybe I'm jealous of her? Because she can do whatever the heck she wants? I dunno. And why do I always feel bad for someone who has sex with someone they don't know they're going to marry? She has a feeling he's going to propose after they graduate, but that never means anything. [(I also think it's just a feeling or an imagination she wants to have. He could have no intention of marrying her)]. And I'm glad she understand that. But, I dunno, I just feel, wouldn't you want sex to be something special for the one person you know you are going to be with forever? She understand that she might find someone else. She understands he might find someone else. Which is good but, then wouldn't you feel bad for saying "I didn't save myself for you." I guess now-a-days it just isn't viewed like that. And I feel bad for them, that they don't understand what they're missing out on.
Now I don't mean to sound all perfect. I understand that things may change, but honestly I do believe Craig is for me. He's always understanding, always there for me, always helping me, but you just never know. Do I feel justified for having sex with him? Yes. Do I believe I am truly doing the right thing? No. Do I see us getting married? Yes and hopefully happily ever after.
Honestly I don't know why this is bothering me so much. I don't understand why I care. Maybe I'm just stressed out? It's possible. I don't want to wish any bad on her. If she finds someone else good for her. If it's Alex, good for the both of them. They found someone that works for them.
And now I'm in a crappy mood to be babysitting. What happened to my neutral feeling? I guess I don't necessarily care for her anymore. But I dunno. I'll just shun these feelings away and disregard them for how i always feel when I hear about someone's sex life. Like I said. If she wants to ruin her handed to her life, that's her problem.
Anyway. Right now I'm not in a very good mood. I'm getting tired of kids, but I need the money. Bad. That stupid school that I don't think I can even attend anymore. I'd hate to tell my mom how I don't want to attend anymore. If the GI Bill wont pay for online classes then I have to give up and try somewhere else.
I'm yelling at kids now. I'm going bad. I do not wish to be abused anymore, but I really need this money. I'm babysitting for a good while this time. So hopefully they pay me in check and I can pay off the stupid school.
For some reason I've had the need to cry all day. I think Brittany is getting back to me [and I need to let it stop]. I'm not sure why she even likes me anymore. I apparently wasn't that great to her. And she has a boyfriend. [Why doesn't she just cuddle up next to him all the dang time. She has the ability to unlike me.]
I am just in no mood today. I don't feel like cleaning up after or dealing with kids today. I just want to talk to Craig all day. And no one/nothing but. I guess I should say a prayer, and apologize. When they are down for a nap and it's quiet I will say my prayer. For now, I will have to apologize to everyone I have cussed around or at.
It's going to sound weird to everyone. "Hey, I'm sorry for cussing around you." Even if it wasn't at them. I still shouldn't have done it, and, I need to watch my tongue. It's slipping way too much. And now I'm taking my saviors name in vain. I am becoming more and more of a horrible person. I wish I could stop.

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Everything in brackets and black was something I added in while typing this up. I wanted to let everyone know that my prayer never did happen, and even though I did eventually talk to Craig it was not a happy one. Also, I did not literally yell at children, I just got more stern with them than I normally would have. Also, I have been looking out for my cussing, but it keeps coming back. I know it's only been two days since I wrote this, but I would still like my language to be much much cleaner. I also still need to apologize to a lot of people, and it is going to be hard, but hopefully I can do it.
Later that night my day did get better. We went out to eat and dinner was good. I still miss my Craig like you wouldn't believe. I wish I could see him and let him hold me again. I think then all our arguing will die down again. I think all this separation is just too much for us. But how do I tell him I want to go to a different school?

I'm not sure what to do or feel anymore.

"I'm a soldier, meaning that I'm
Both the defendent and the judge
I'm standing on both sides of the fire
Moving along curves, overtaking death and life
I'm running to battle with the shadow of a lie"

So, lately I have been feeling like crap, again. I know, that's all I seem to write about, but it always makes me feel better. And only one or two people actually read my journals, so, I figure it's okay.

But anyway, I've been feeling like crap because I got a letter that I owe Columbus State University $170 odd bucks. And it was for my meal plan, that I did use while for the week I was there. No, I did not spend $170 on food, I don't believe, but it is more for the fact that I did use my meal plan at all. I do have to consider myself luck that this is all they're charging me. I currently have $122 in my bank account, so another $50 or so should do it for me. That $50 shouldn't be hard to get soon, what with my babysitting "job" that I have. As long as people pay me in check. (I suppose I could always ask them that I prefer they pay me in check, I'll give that a shot next time.) However, my problem is, how do I explain that suddenly I just spent $170 on school. No, I didn't tell them, and I suppose I should, however, I'm just so scared. We're so close to the move and my mom is stressing more than ever in her life because of it. She's getting ready to quit her job (and she will be VERY happy when she does) but she's freaking out about the movers, and getting the house clean, and planning a yard sale, and planning fun things for us to do while we're here, and cleaning AND selling the van, and yatta yatta yatta. My mother is just a very stressful, worry-sum person and I fear that even if nothing is going on, if nothing is happening she needs to find some sort of stress because that's all she knows. So I fear that if I tell her I owe them something she'll freak out "well how soon do we have to pay that and what does it effect and do I have to pay it and" I dunno, she'll find some way to get angry and stressed out at me. I don't mind paying for it myself, and I would rather that I did instead of having my parents pay for it.
I guess if I do end up paying for it and they say something about it I could always just explain then. I would LOVE to have this thing paid off as soon as possible. Sooner than possible, really. But I can't work until asked.

I also have some news that I was thinking about signing up for online classes. This way I could just pay for my classes and not worry about all the other fees of room and board, food, etc. BUT, my parents have talked about it and apparently my dad's GI Bill wont pay for online classes. However, as far as I'm concerned it just pays for instate tuition, and that's what online classes are, so please someone pray for me that the GI Bill will go through for me and I will be able to take online classes. If it can't, I guess I'll have to hold off on school...

All of this is very upsetting, and I wish something could be done about it. But all I can do is keep in better contact with my school and get all the information I can. And just hope that my plans work out and I can actually start my life... Please, someone say a prayer for me?


"No matter how many threads deception would weave
Truth will show its face of light"


LIFE

Y U NO EASY?


"Save your tears
for the day
when our pain is far behind
on your feet
come with me
we are soldiers stand or die"

But I guess this is all when I have to remember that things turn out for a reason, and I have to remember that my God loves me and he wants me to be happy, weather I get there on the path I plan or the path he plans. I just have to have faith and hope.

"Save your fears
take your place
save them for the judgement day
fast and free
follow me
time to make the sacrifice
we rise or fall"


In the good news, I had a good day today. I hung out with my friend Brittany at the mall today, and ended up treating myself to a new shirt and skirt. They don't match together, but individually they were cute and I highly enjoyed them. I saved a few bucks off them, the skirt was on sale and Old Navy has a military discount (though so far I have not found a place that does not have military discount). We had a few laughs and had a good time. And I'm glad we did, for one, It's been a long while since I've hung out with anyone, let alone her. Second, I've been needing a day out of the house. Hopefully we can do it again this Thursday when we plan to have a sleep over.

"I'm a soldier, born to stand
in this waking hell I am
witnessing more than I can compute"

So in the end I guess I just have to try and make life with what it is and hope things work out. If they don't they way I want them too, I'm sure there's a reason why, and I'll just have to take it and learn from it.
"pray myself we don't forget
lies, betrayed and the oppressed
please give me the strength to be the truth"
All these words I have found in a song that I ironically listened to in order to get my mind off of things. But it only made me feel worse. But now I feel better just being able to write my thoughts all down. Thank you everyone for your patients, I am always looking forward to your comments, and of course, your faves. Thank you so much for bearing with me.

~Andi