Original written date: 7 Oct. 2011
"Who is that girl I see, staring straight, back at me?"
"Why is my reflection someone I don't know?"
I'm not really sure why I care so much. She hurt me so why should I care if she messes up her already screwed up life? I know she's getting into college [but that's only] because her parents will provide everything for her. While I have to sit here and suffer because I can't pay for things myself. Maybe I'm jealous of her? Because she can do whatever the heck she wants? I dunno. And why do I always feel bad for someone who has sex with someone they don't know they're going to marry? She has a feeling he's going to propose after they graduate, but that never means anything. [(I also think it's just a feeling or an imagination she wants to have. He could have no intention of marrying her)]. And I'm glad she understand that. But, I dunno, I just feel, wouldn't you want sex to be something special for the one person you know you are going to be with forever? She understand that she might find someone else. She understands he might find someone else. Which is good but, then wouldn't you feel bad for saying "I didn't save myself for you." I guess now-a-days it just isn't viewed like that. And I feel bad for them, that they don't understand what they're missing out on.
Now I don't mean to sound all perfect. I understand that things may change, but honestly I do believe Craig is for me.
Honestly I don't know why this is bothering me so much. I don't understand why I care. Maybe I'm just stressed out? It's possible. I don't want to wish any bad on her. If she finds someone else good for her. If it's Alex, good for the both of them. They found someone that works for them.
And now I'm in a crappy mood to be babysitting. What happened to my neutral feeling? I guess I don't necessarily care for her anymore. But I dunno. I'll just shun these feelings away and disregard them for how i always feel when I hear about someone's sex life. Like I said. If she wants to ruin her handed to her life, that's her problem.
Anyway. Right now I'm not in a very good mood. I'm getting tired of kids, but I need the money. Bad. That stupid school that I don't think I can even attend anymore. I'd hate to tell my mom how I don't want to attend anymore. If the GI Bill wont pay for online classes then I have to give up and try somewhere else.
I'm yelling at kids now. I'm going bad. I do not wish to be abused anymore, but I really need this money. I'm babysitting for a good while this time. So hopefully they pay me in check and I can pay off the stupid school.
For some reason I've had the need to cry all day. I think Brittany is getting back to me [and I need to let it stop]. I'm not sure why she even likes me anymore. I apparently wasn't that great to her. And she has a boyfriend. [Why doesn't she just cuddle up next to him all the dang time. She has the ability to unlike me.]
I am just in no mood today. I don't feel like cleaning up after or dealing with kids today. I just want to talk to Craig all day. And no one/nothing but. I guess I should say a prayer, and apologize. When they are down for a nap and it's quiet I will say my prayer. For now, I will have to apologize to everyone I have cussed around or at.
It's going to sound weird to everyone. "Hey, I'm sorry for cussing around you." Even if it wasn't at them. I still shouldn't have done it, and, I need to watch my tongue. It's slipping way too much. And now I'm taking my saviors name in vain. I am becoming more and more of a horrible person. I wish I could stop.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everything in brackets and black was something I added in while typing this up. I wanted to let everyone know that my prayer never did happen, and even though I did eventually talk to Craig it was not a happy one. Also, I did not literally yell at children, I just got more stern with them than I normally would have. Also, I have been looking out for my cussing, but it keeps coming back. I know it's only been two days since I wrote this, but I would still like my language to be much much cleaner. I also still need to apologize to a lot of people, and it is going to be hard, but hopefully I can do it.
Later that night my day did get better. We went out to eat and dinner was good. I still miss my Craig like you wouldn't believe. I wish I could see him and let him hold me again. I think then all our arguing will die down again. I think all this separation is just too much for us. But how do I tell him I want to go to a different school?
No comments:
Post a Comment